:: the same old plot. ::

:: Monday, March 03, 2003 ::

You know those mornings when everything about waking up and getting out of bed is wrong? and you just know that if you leave the protection of your bed even for a second that the world is gonna ambush you, sneak up from behind and satb you in the back. I should have known that this morning. i shouldn't have gotten out of bed. God if only the chaos theory were true....then I could have just stayed in bed and the whole world would change. Today would never have existed as it did and maybe if mom never told me that Uncle Reg died, then maybe it wouldn't have to be true. Maybe if I just don't believe it, refuse to accept it, them maybe somehow that can make it not be real, make his death less final. He really is still there, I"d tell myself and the dominoes would get reversed and maybe eveything would just go back to how it was and somehow my staying in bed would have been able to change thigs. ..I had to get up and start a chain of events that inevitably led to this moment, right now, me writing about my great uncle's death....Shit how much can one family take? Every part of this is just so unfair. death is unavoidable, but three in the same family within 6 months of eachother? I always expected to meet Uncle Reg. He was just always there. Uncle Reg in Australia. What a great guy, you'd love him Tamlin, he's hilarious, if you ever go down to Australis stay with my uncle, he's great! But now I"ll never get to meet him. Frankly, he doens't exist anymore. I wonder when the finality of death really kicks in...the moment when you realize that dead really does mean gone, forever. Ucnle Reg...dead? no there has to be some mistake. people just don't die. They get sick, you see them slowly checking out but they don't just leave. You get to make peace with it, you get to tell people the things you always wanted to but just never had the time. That's the process of death....now suddenly he's gone....What about Lisa? She;s only in her twenties. Just last night I was thinking about what would happen if my dad died, if I lost him...I wouldn't be able to survive...honestly my heart and sould would die with him....what do you do without someone that was always there?....I always thought I"d get to meet him....I really did.....

:: Tamlin 8:06 PM [+] ::
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