:: the same old plot. ::

:: Tuesday, June 28, 2005 ::

So it's the night before the big night and i have prepped for the festivities.

i got my legs waxed for the first time today. having a small east indian woman's head in awkward areas was uncomfortable to say the least. doesn't help i was wearing pink sparkly underwear with ice cream cones on it. some parts were painful. i actually giggled aloud i was so shocked when she rubbed down my thighs with the baby oil. wow that sounds really terrible. leigh, get your mind out of the gutter. we both know what you're thinking....all in all, eye brows threaded, armpits waxed and full leg waxing cost me 27.50. tell me where else all of this excess body hair can be removed for such an amazing low price and i will show you hairless women everywhere. i dont know what that meant.

so i talked with this lady on the street the other day. she almost got hit by a car and so she was telling me how she;s not used to 'big city traffic' because she came to surrey from Quadra Island. she told me all about the island pastimes of fishing, and crabbing and getting drunk on the point. and smoking dope if you're into that. she invited me out to join them one time. said it was the most beautiful place and the most fun you could have. she kept saying, 'giiiiirl you aint seen nothin'. how true. touché mon ami, touché.

out of high school. into life. i aint seen nothin'.

:: Tamlin 10:27 PM [+] ::
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There's something very sketchy about dehydrated won ton.

sometimes i remind myself of a child. little kids that hold their crotches because they have to pee but refuse to do it until you carry them to the toilet, or kids that fall asleep everywhere but maintain that they're not tired. I'm like that a lot. (minus the crotch holding, i can do that with my massive PC's. thanks kegel.). I never seem to want to go to the bathroom. I feel like it's such a waste of time, or like i need to justify it by doing something else while sitting on the toilet, ie cut my nails. and when I'm tired and have nothing to do, i still can rarely bring myself to actually go to bed. This results in meaningless tasks like cleaning my room, organizing assignments from grade two or deciding to rearrnage the furniture in my room at two in the morning and then moving it all back because i don't like the change.

anyway this all relates to nothing. except that my provincials start tomorrow. hallelujah. it's too bad that it feels like amazing is a possibility, but it would be so much easier now to settle for good. and the difference is like $3000 in the long run. i wish i could just know for sure, one way or the other. and not have to bust my ass.

fin

:: Tamlin 1:05 PM [+] ::
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ARGH.
I hate studying. I don't even know what the word means. what is study? how is one supposed to do this? This abstract verb that is supposed to result in amazing achievements. and yet, what the hell is it? does it mean continuous reading with the added bonus of retention? because thats not happening. So does it mean re-writing everything? will that even do anything? what IS it? When people say, oh i'm studying, i have to go study, etc what are they DOING? i'm beginnig to think this is a mythical action, it doesn't really exist. like santa clause, it's just a rouse to make children behave better.
I'm four exams away from being done high school and the only thing I can think about when i'm supposed to be 'studying' and earning myself $3000 is the ice cream cake that is sitting in our deep freeze...dairy queen ice cream...cookie fudge center..oh dear god...which excites guilt and fears about fitting into a grad dress and being laughed at for looking like a beached whale upon arrival. All of these things PLUS the perfecting of a speech that still has no beginnning. which, by the way, if you have any suggestions for it would be greatly appreciated and possibly repaid with a plethora of good will coupons. AIYA.

i need a hug.

:: Tamlin 11:57 AM [+] ::
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DISCLAIMER: long and no-pointy

So right now I am sitting in the computer lab at my school, at 9:10 in the morning on a saturday. I've been here since 6:50. I'll be here til 4. WHY? because God hates me and my life is hard. I'm actually a little terrified to be alone. there is NO ONE here. my high school is completely empty. First i was a little thrilled at this. The prospect of actually walking through hte halls of my high school naked were a little too appealing. But then i started hearing creepy noises and the perpetually running tap coming from the boy's washroom. I refuse to go in. So now I am cloistered in the computer lab. and to add a deliciously red cherry to the top of this pile of shit, i just got my period and am out of quarters. i can't leave the school because if i do all doors are locked behind me. So i'm stuck here with toilet paper shoved between my legs. Ain't life a kick in the pants?
many of you might ask WHY IN GOD'S NAME i am at school, alone, all day, on a saturday? well i have no one to blame but myself. Ambition is a strange thing. I never really thought i was a very ambitious person. Ambition and a competitive nature always ran so closely together in my mind and I"m raelly not that competitive. Competition easily intimidates me and so gerneally, if someone else needs to win so badly, i just let them have it because it doens't matter that much to me. Though i suppose when it comes to arguments and defending opinion i'm a hard ass and never really let up...is that the same thing as competition? I think thats just stubborn. And never accepting that i'm wrong (which i never am). What am I even talking about? seriously i spew so much shit sometimes that I end up boring myself. Sometimes I actually feel like i dissociate from myself and float in the air above my head and just watch myself and think, god you're boring. but i seem to have fooled enough people into thinking that i have a modecum of personality. so far so good.
I was going to talk about why I am here at school and not sleeping in my lovely double bed. Is it still called a double bed if it's a futon? a double futon? meaningless questions? I am co-editing my school literary and arts magazine and it must be finished this afternoon. This is what i meant by ambition. WHY DID I CHOOSE TO DO THIS? realy. I don't get anything out of it. I have to spend hours at school on my own time cropping pictures and matching them with text on pages in programs like quark and adobe that have secret meetings defacing me behind my back. So is this ambition? It was definetly not a decision made out of boredom. Just because of this one year and all the stress and sleepless nights, I'm sure my life will end due to the internal combustion of my brain and other major organs by the time I'm thirty, leaving behind a life full of meaningless accomplishments like co-fucking-editor. hm. that sounded angry. it was kinda freeing.
i wonder if i'll ever actaully move to the okanagan and pick fruit. that just seems like such a pleasant way to live. When i was traveling to montreal last summer, i met an old couple travelling across canada that live and pick fruit in New Zealand. That is their life. For a season they pick fruit everyday and then they take that money and travel for the other half of the year. Doesnt that sound lovely? i like fruit. i dont' mind trees. i can pick. screw everything else. I'll find me a country lovin man and me and him can roam the EArth as nomads, belonging nowhere and to no one, not even eachother. would that be lvoe? mutual resignation to stay togther in one place? i may never know.
Alright well i've run out of things to say. So unless you want to hear me bithc more about my period i'm off.

sorry this was long and disjointed. i have a lot of time to waste.

:: Tamlin 9:09 AM [+] ::
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